Thursday, July 18, 2013

My Dinner with Kabin

 My name is Kabin and this is my story.

This is my 357th  day in the desert. 

Feels like a day... Feels like a lifetime... Because it has been.

This is also my last Grateful Journal entry in Abu Dhabi.

I was at a dinner with my friend Kabin Thomas, today and he asked me one of the most important questions of my life:

"Kabin," said he, “What is the most important discovery you feel you have made during your time here?”

I was taken aback.... Frankly, I just wanted this to be a pleasant, unthreatening meal with a guy I enjoy spending time with, before I went to the airport to head back to the United States.

Suddenly, I wanted to just ejaculate a vapid list of all the things I liked here. You know, an unthinking list of things that happened.... Almost like a child listing the rides they went on at Ferrari World:

Formula Rossa – I loved the culture.
V12 – I made good money,
Speed of Magic – I adored all the food,
Scuderia Challenge – I lived in an awesome apartment
Blah blah fucking BLAHHHHHH...

I wanted to share with Kabin, not so much a journey of enlightenment, but a handjob of sensory experiences.

However, something inside me told me to take this question very seriously.   So, I sat in silence and prayed for a little bit for wisdom with this answer and thought a little bit more... And as I sat there I realized I was with the most important person I knew in this life, who was asking me maybe the most important question I have ever been asked.  I knew then I needed to come up with the most truthful and sincere answer of my life.

“What is the most important discovery you feel you have made during your time here, Kabin Thomas?”

And my answer was.... “Well, Kabin, it’s complicated.”

So Kabin said to me:  “Well, I’m not going anywhere.  Please explain.” 

And here’s what I said... Here’s what Kabin Thomas said:

During my 12 months here, I chose to spend as much time alone as I could. 

I knew that I had something important to discover and I knew the only way I was going to make that discovery was in solitude. 

And...

This place was probably going to be  the last time I was going to be alone this long for the rest of my life.

I think all men and women have made their most important self-discoveries alone.  All men and women, from janitors, to bus drivers, to chimney sweeps, to presidents and plenipotentiaries have had to walk alone in their own desert, however that desert manifests itself.  For me, it was a literal desert.

I hung out only a dozen times with people, at most, as I needed to stay to myself. 

I chose to not own a car here and because of that, I walked about 1800 miles during these 12 months and I walked those 1800 miles without music, without headphones or any distractions except a cell phone, which when I used it, I usually tripped and fell down!  So I kept it in my pocket, save for taking pictures and making small discoveries.

I walked alone.   Actually, that’s not true.  I spent most of that time talking to God, or to my Mom, or to my angels.

I traveled almost everywhere alone, except the 10 days when Mary was here.

Besides that,
I ate alone.
I slept alone.
I had 99% of my sex alone.
I went to movies and concerts alone.
I cried and laughed alone.
I  even hosted a show that I did alone, onstage.

And during that time, I tried to listen to whatever was talking to me.

Soon, I noticed that I was being “talked to” by just about everything I encountered.  Not Harvey, the Rabbit talked to, but life was talking to me in ways beyond words....

I was talked to by the beauty of the brick work that had just been laid by a worker creating a new sidewalk...
I was talked to by the symbolism of a bird swooping me. ..
I was talked to by the sound of the F1 roaring past at Yas Circuit...
I was talked to by the feeling I had watching the setting sun over the Arabian Gulf.
I was talked to by the warm, loving embrace of Abu Dhabi herself, in the evenings.
I was talked to by the scent of the sea in the air.
I was talked to by the murmur of the canals at sunrise.
I was talked to by the sand as it flowed in the wind.

I noticed that if I listened... life talked to me.  But only if I slowed down enough to listen.

And during that time that I listened to life, I made these very raw discoveries about YOU, Kabin Thomas. 

My discoveries led me to anger ,
then to hurt and sadness,
then to fear,
then to understanding,
then to forgiveness,

I discovered during my year here that I was angry at YOU, Kabin Thomas...

I was angry at you, Kabin Thomas, because you have always felt you had GREAT and IMPORTANT things inside you to accomplish, yet you have been more afraid of success than you are afraid of failure.  That is why you have screwed up so many times and have bounced all over the world, trying to avoid what is inside you that you are afraid of....

You are afraid of YOU, Kabin! 
I was angry at you because you have been afraid of yourself.

I was angry at YOU, Kabin Thomas, because you marginalize yourself over and over again,..

I was angry at you, Kabin Thomas, because you constantly gave away your power. ‘Power’ meaning self-respect.  You gave that power to people who didn’t want it, nor need it, nor deserved it.

I was angry at YOU, Kabin Thomas, because your lack of success has not been due to your lack of talent, but your lack of belief in yourself.

I was angry at YOU, Kabin Thomas, because you seem to always want to take the longest way to get to the door to the next room.  You didn’t just go there.   You had to climb over people and you even created imaginary objects to climb over. 

I was angry at YOU, Kabin Thomas, because you liked creating drama that got YOU ostracized pretty much every time.

I was angry at YOU, Kabin Thomas, because you have a tendency to turn yourself into a mascot/clown, uncle fluffy without the costume and often without the humor and certainly without the respect.

I think you did all this because you don’t like yourself very much and that made me angry at you, as well.

I also discovered during my year here that you have hurt me, because you hurt yourself...

I am hurt, because you self-destructed over and over again. 
I am hurt, because you feel like you are more a cautionary tale than an inspiration.
I am hurt because you feel less than mediocre.
I am hurt because you say even worse things about you than what most people who don’t even like you have said about you.

I am hurt and sad because you haven’t liked yourself very much and that hurts most of all.

I also discovered during my year here that I was afraid of you and afraid for you...

I was afraid because you feel you are, once again, in a clear deep sea, at night, lit with powerful lights from below and you can see you are floating in a sea of potential, but just treading water, which is a situation that has always scared the shit out of you.

I was afraid, Kabin, because you worry that you will not be able to recover from always having potential, but realizing precious little of it and watching younger, more ambitious people pass you like you were in the far right lane of the 405, at 4pm, on a Friday, during the dark heart of rush hour in Los Angeles.

I was afraid that you think you will never be anything other than insignificant.  That you will only be a smirk.

I was afraid that the best you feel you will accomplish in this life is that of a failed professor, fired in disgrace, from the University of Arkansas.  Your high water line of difference-making will be the years you were there.


Mostly, I was afraid that you wanted your kids to hate you, so they didn’t become you.


I was afraid that you will never love yourself, Kabin.  And that, my dear, is a tough way of living.

What is good, Kabin, is that you don’t blame others for this way of thinking. 

You take responsibility for your being self-destructive.
You take responsibility for your self-hatred.
You take responsibility for your fears.
You take responsibility for your resentments.

With that way of thinking, lay the seeds for understanding and change.

I understand you, Kabin Thomas, because I know you are sometimes not well in your head.
I understand you, because I know your upbringing has been full of outside turmoil.
I understand now, that you were doing the best you could, with what you had to work with.
I understand you, Kabin Thomas, because you are a good man, with many confusions inside you.

You have the ability to start anew, starting today.
You have the ability to make today a brand new day.... The first day of the rest of your life.
You have the ability to forgive myself for your past behavior and move forward.

These discoveries have led to me forgiving you, Kabin.

I forgive you, Kabin Thomas, because I have to.  Because if I cannot forgive you, I cannot forgive others.
I forgive you, Kabin Thomas, because I love you. Because if I cannot love you, I cannot love others.
I forgive you, Kabin Thomas, because I respect you. Because if I cannot respect you, I cannot respect others.
I forgive you, Kabin Thomas, because you are a good guy.
I forgive you for your past wrongs and poor behavior.
I forgive you for not loving myself.

I forgive you, Kabin Thomas, for forgetting your incredible value as a person.

Don’t forget that your children love you and want to be with you.

Don’t forget that your family loves you and wants you around.

Don’t forget that Mary loves you and wants to be with you and support you.

Don’t forget that Debbie Khumayyis has sometimes had to carry your large ass on her back, for months at a time because she loves you so much.

Don’t forget you have students who have told you personally that you bettered their lives for being in it.

Don’t forget you have had colleagues who have told you personally that you bettered their lives for being in it.

Don’t forget that your being willing to be honest and raw has helped people as well.

Don’t forget your incredible value as a person, Kabin.

Lemme say that again...

Don’t forget your incredible value as a person.

Please don’t forget that anymore, OK?

“What is the most important discovery you feel you have made during your time here, Kabin Thomas?”

I have discovered I have value.
I have discovered I am worthwhile.
I have discovered I am enough.
I have discovered I am loved.
I have discovered I have made a difference already and I am not done doing so.
I have discovered I am forgiving myself for my past wrongs.
I have discovered that the best is yet to come.

“So what do you think of that, Kabin?”  I said to Kabin, who was staring at me, with a sly grin on his face and a tear in his eye.

“Seems this was one hell of a year in the desert.” He said.

“Yup.” 

“Time to go home?” Said Kabin. 

“Yes it is.” Said I.

And we both said at the same time: “You get the check.”

And I did. 

Time to go home.

Thank you, Debbie and Mary and Kertia and Kirtis and Bertha and Garie and Olivia and Andrew and Denise and Kat and Paul and Paula Jennifer and Chris and Liz and Martha and Laura and Blue Fever and Sally Joy and Channa and Amra and Marina and my Operators and Fast Lane and Cast of Red and Emma and Jason and Will and John and Mimbo and Usul and every bus driver and taxi driver and AJ the guard and Bridget and Nicola and Charlie and Lawrence of Arabia and UAE Day and Skip and the rooms of AA and Abu Dhabi Choral Group and the VGL Chorus and UAE Symphony Orchestra and Maggie and Resuscitation Theatre and Janet and Charlie and Laura and Tara and Katie and Heiko and Prinola (Bless her heart,) and Wasim and Sally Joy and Tammy and my colleagues and everyone I have forgotten and Ferrari World and Yas Island and a special thank you to His Highness General Sheikh Mohamed bin Zayed Al Nahyan

Thank you, Room.

Thank you, Abu Dhabi.

Thank You Universe.

Alhumdull’Allah.

I am grateful.

Time to go home.